Ok. According to my friends, family and acquaintances I am "outgoing, bubbly, sparkly, full of sunshine and have never met a stranger". I guess those words do describe me, but how about "shy, nervous, and socially anxious"? Yep... that's me too. Does that surprise you? When I talk about those things with my friend Angel, she just shakes her head in disbelief. Really, it's true. I have a moderate social anxiety that sometimes keeps me from outings, gatherings and even a High School Reunion or two. I despise small talk or "cocktail party" mingling.
I haven't always been this way and the good news is, it's getting better ( I think!)
When I look back at when I started feeling nervous about going to a friend's house to hang out and play games or any other place where I don't know everyone, it seems to be timed with events in my life that left me feeling "unattractive, unwanted, and unnecessary". I desperately wanted to find my perfect someone that would change all of those feelings, and in the meantime began to really believe that I was destined to be alone and anxious. Don't get me wrong. I had then and still have the best friends on the planet that love me so completely and unconditionally. I just didn't believe in myself.
Fast forward to the present. After meeting and falling in love with my amazing husband, who validates me in every way and daily erases a bit of that old insecurity, I finally am beginning to allow myself to be comfortable with ME. I almost even like me now!
Last night, our church was hosting a ladies game night of Bunco and I caught myself debating whether to go or not. I started making my list of reasons why I needed to stay home could feel my heart race at the prospect of making small talk with the women I didn't know. Ugh!! But, instead of passing up the opportunity to laugh and fellowship with some great ladies, I decided to go. After all, I'm pretty fun and nice to be with and besides, God always goes with me and seems to lay out a path of Grace before me. So I trusted that I would be glad that I went and boldly walked into the sanctuary with my head held high. It is no big surprise that I had a wonderful time! I even met a couple of new ladies that I really connected with and can't wait to see again at church.
Christian music artist, JJ Heller, also struggles with anxiety and panic attacks. It was from her experience with them and trusting God to take care of her that she wrote her hit song "Your Hands". This song has been a great reminder to me and maybe the lyrics can touch a special place in you today.
"I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still"
May your day be filled with Sparkle, from the inside out!
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Boy, I can identify... my ex always made me feel inadeqate and unworthy of love... I HATED company functions where I had to chitchat about nothing to people who had nothing relavent to say.. it was torture.. It took years after the divorce for me to learn to like myself and be secure enough to trust I was of value. I don't even recognize that person anymore.. and altho I still do not enjoy meaningless chatter, I can do it in small doses. I still struggle whether people like me and why, but some things just stay with you and it's a lifetime battle. But it is amazing how we can grow if we keep working on it... nice piece...
ReplyDeleteIsn't it nice to know that you aren't the only one? I had a family member write to me and tell me that she never would have imagined that I had this struggle... and she does too! I think it's important to talk about these kinds of things, because they do draw us closer to each other.
ReplyDeleteHugs...